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英语小幽默 TheEnglishautho

时间:2023-10-07作者:admin分类:实践浏览:20评论:0

  英语经典幽默笑话:怕老婆的丈夫

  The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives.He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It's good to see,”said the king,“that we have one real man in the kingdom.Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.” “Your Majesty,”came the reply in a squealing voice,“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.”

  古代有一个国王,他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样,受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前,警告说,哪个男人胆敢不说实话,就会受到严厉的惩罚。然后,他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧,只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。国王说:“看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉,真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋,为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。” “陛下,”那人尖声地回答:“因为在我出门之前,我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。”

  英语经典幽默笑话:睡前祷告词

  Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

  Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

  And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

  朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“祷告上帝,”她说,“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”

  妈妈打断她说:“朱莉叶,你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢?”

  朱莉叶回答说:“因为我在地理考卷上是这么写的。”

  英语经典幽默笑话:几月走的

  When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.

  The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"

  杰克给人鞠躬,飞快地一点头,就算完了。大家都怪他不懂礼貌。于是便有好心的人教他说,“下次鞠躬的时候,你就在心里数:正月、二月、……一直数到十二月为止,然后再直起身来。这样,礼节就周全了。”

  第二天,杰克见到他的叔叔,他便如法炮制。这躬鞠得太久,叔叔吃了一惊,赶紧逃开了。杰克抬头一看,其叔早已不知去向,他便问过路人:“我叔叔几月走的?”

  英语经典幽默笑话:the important of a second language

  A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.

  Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to know a second language."

  一天,一只猫妈妈领着4只小猫在路上走,却遇到了一只大狗。小猫们吓的蜷缩成了一团,这时猫妈妈吼出了一连串的汪汪声,大狗被吓跑了。猫妈妈转过身来对几个小猫说,“孩子们,看看掌握一门外语是多么的重要呀!”

  英语经典幽默笑话:Easy or Not

  Pulling alongside our drive-up bank window, a woman was not happy with her position. So she backed up and pulled closer. Still not satisfied, she backed away and tried again. After five attempts, she finally parked the car and rolled down her window. I greeted her with a simple "Good morning".

  "Good morning," she replied cheerfully. "I'm going to have to use this drive-up all the time. It's so easy!"

  一位妇女把车沿着我们银行的驱车直达窗口开过来,可她并不满意于她停的位置。因此她倒车,靠得更近点。还是不满意,倒车,再来。五次努力后,终于她把车停下来,摇下车窗。我简单地问候她一声“早上好”。

  “早上好,”她愉快地回答说,“以后我都要使用这种驱车直达窗口。真是如此的方便。”

  英语经典幽默笑话:假如我是一个经理

  One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.

  一天课上,老师要同学们以如果我是一个经理为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了,只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。我在等我的秘书。那孩子答道。

  英语经典幽默笑话:A Life for a Life(以“命”抵命)

  The English author,Richard Savage,was once living in London in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life,but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops,and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill,butafter a time,owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him,he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits, but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment,saying to Savage,“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.” “I agree,” said Savage,“that I owe my life to you, and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled,The life of Richard Savage.

  英国作家理查德·萨维奇一度在伦敦过着贫困潦倒的生活,为了赚几个钱,他曾写了有关他自己生平的故事。但是这部书在书店里并没有卖出几本,萨维奇过着朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物,他病得很厉害。后来,由于给他治疗的那个医生的高明医术,他才又恢复了健康。过了一两个星期之后,医生给萨维奇送来了一张讨要诊费的帐单,但是贫穷的萨维奇没有钱来偿付。医生等了一个月后又送来了帐单,但仍然未索回分文。几个星期之后,他又送来帐单要钱。最后,医生本人来到了萨维奇的家中,对他说:“你明白,你是欠我一条命的,我希望你有所报答。” “是的,”萨维奇说,“我是欠你一条命,为了向你证明我对你的诊治不是不报答,我将把我的命给你。” 说着这番话,萨维奇递给医生两卷书,名叫《理查德·萨维奇的一生》。

  英语经典幽默笑话:What Was It She Wanted?

  A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No,ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified,the manager came runningover to the customer and said,“Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside:“Never, never, never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.

  一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说:“不,夫人,这会儿没有,一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说:“当然,马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边:“千万,千万,千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货,货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么?” “雨,”店员说。

  英语经典幽默笑话:A preacher is buying a parrot 传教士买鹦鹉

  A preacher is buying a parrot

  Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

  Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

  Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

  Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

  I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

  一个传教士在买鹦鹉

  “你确信它不会尖叫,大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。

  “哦,绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。

  “你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗?当你拉动右面的这根,它会背诵天主经,当你拉动左面的那根,它会背诵赞美诗”

  “太棒了!”传教士说,“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子,会发生什么呢?”

  “我会从树干上掉下去的,你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。

  英语经典幽默笑话:How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

  "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

  "No!" the children all answered.

  "If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

  Again, the answer was, "No!"

  "Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

  A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

  “如果我把房子和车卖了,在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人,我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。

  孩子们齐声回答:“不能!”

  “那如果我每天都打扫教堂,给院子的草坪割草,并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁,我会上天堂吗?”

  回答还是:“不能!”“好吧, ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?”

  一个五岁的男孩儿叫道:“你得死了才行!”

  英语经典幽默笑话:I Want Her to go Nuts

  Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

  "But you're not wearing any of those things."

  "I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

  福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说:“画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯,还有红宝石垂饰。”

  “但你现在没带这其中的任何一样饰品。”

  “我知道。”福林德斯夫人说,“万一我先我丈夫死去,我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”

  英语经典幽默笑话:是哪两个词?

  What Are The Two Words?A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.“My dear,” said the old lady,“I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that? “Why,sure,Granny,”said the girl.“What are the two words?”

  一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的,”老夫人说:“我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’,另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗?” “噢,当然,奶奶。”女孩说:“是哪两个词?”

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